"I want to fall in love in such a way that the mere sight
of a man, even a block away from me, will shake and pierce me, will weaken me,
and make me tremble and soften and melt.” ― Anaïs Nin, Delta of
Venus
When I first read these lines,
I dismissed it as just another nonsensical and hopeless romantic notion. I didn't
know about Anaïs Nin or her works and I didn't care to know about her. The
thing is, I have a rather cynical point of view about love and falling in love, so thoughts like these simply don't make sense to me.
I remember my life a few years back as merely going through the motions, the same routine day after day. I do things which
seemed fun and I do try to have fun but they were pretty much the same old stuff. I've been in relationships and they were
mostly alright but if I have to be honest, those relationships didn't really
mean that much to me. My life was ok, it was safe and I didn't feel the need to
stretch my wings. Somehow, I didn't feel the
need to go out of my comfort zone or to explore life any further.
In my line of job, it is
unavoidable to meet random people everyday so it wasn't unusual to get an email
from someone asking for my consulting expertise or to get random inquiries. One day though, I received an email from this guy and the unusual happened. We seemed to communicate with each other with so much ease and while being candid isn't new in my
job, it certainly felt like we were long, lost friends. After a few days of
email bantering we decided to meet.
The first time I saw him, that
first day we decided to see each other, that memory will probably stay with me
forever. He was there standing across the street and it felt like the whole
world stop while I was staring at him. It may sound cliche, but I was totally
mindless about everything happening around me. There was just me and him. That
very moment echoed the thoughts uttered by Anaïs Nin from another era. Those same words I
mocked not so long ago. What happened next, threw me off my game and my comfort
zone. Completely.
What happens when a complete
stranger walked into your life and make you feel and see things you didn't know
actually exist? For me, I got scared and confused. I didn't want to succumbed
to my feelings. I didn't want to smile or laugh everytime we're together or
everytime we're talking. I didn't even want to keep seeing him. I wanted to
stay in the safety of my own little world but I just can't stay away from him.
So I made a decision, I decided to brace myself for the fall and let myself get
drunk with all the new sensations I'm starting to feel. For the first time I felt
completely vulnerable. I started questioning my old life. I
started to feel insecure. Though, for the first time as well, I felt genuinely
happy being in a relationship. It wasn't all smooth sailing. I had to work through my insecurities popping out of nowhere. I had to deal with my emotions that I'm mostly unfamiliar with. We had to make a lot of adjustments and find balance between our erratic work schedules and our own individual activities. There were
moments when I wonder if its all worth it but every time I start having doubts, I always end up with the same answer. Yes. So even though, I know that things may end eventually, I let myself fall and cherish the time I get to spend with him. Everyday, I whisk away the fears and I embrace the changes happening with me. Everyday, I look forward to spending more time with him.
It was a relationship filled
with trust, openness and mutual respect. It was a relationship where I learned
to be more open with my feelings, with my thoughts and my opinion, knowing that
they will not be ignored or patronized. It was a relationship where I felt that I didn't have to sacrifice my principles and individuality to be happy. It was a relationship where I learned to do things I was once scared of doing. It was a
relationship where I got thrown out of my comfort zone and yet despite my fears
it felt utterly good. I grew as a person and got more in touch with my inner self. I started to realize what are the things that matters to me, how I really want to treated
and what I've been looking for. It was a relationship that was passionate and fulfilling with both of us respecting each other's boundaries, limits and priorities.
In the end, I didn't get my
happily ever after. Some days I remember those beautiful moments and it was truly
painful. Just like when I first saw him, I just wanted the world to stop
moving. I wanted to go back to the way things were. I wanted to wake up beside him again and watch him while he's still asleep. I just kept on missing him every single day.
At some point I wished I can be apathetic so I won't feel any pain anymore but at the same time
it felt so wrong to feel that way. That pain is a reminder that everything had been
real. That pain made me realize that I had been out of the cocoon finally. The pain reminded me that I have started living life and
apathy will threw me back to the way things were, being a zombie. I didn't want
that anymore.
Taking steps forward each and
every day had been tough. There were days when I just want to stay in my room
and wallow in my sadness and misery all day. I had to stop going to certain places because they make me wistful. Yet, everyday I kept going, I kept smiling,
I kept on doing things I've come to love because of him. Everyday, I tell myself that I'm strong enough to make it and that I can keep living a happy and fulfilled life even without him.
Then I started feeling more stable, after awhile, though, the confusion set in. There was me and
then, there is me. I became a different person and I felt
like I had to start some aspects of my life over. Again, that was a scary thing.
I have to begin another phase of my life and figure out a lot of things. I have to acknowledge my new identity, my desires, my fears and my new found dreams.
There were certain people I had to leave behind in my new journey. There were
habits I had to forego. Change, can be a daunting task especially in the
beginning. Though, when I feel like I want to give up, I just looked back on
those times and somehow those memories gave me strength.
When I look back on those days now I don't feel sad anymore. I don't feel any regrets either, for taking the risk and wanting that relationship to happen. I wanted it to last but now I've come to accept that it was just meant to become one sweet memory in my life. A phase that needed to happen so I can learn more about myself to become a better person. It was my serendipity and I'm thankful that it happened because it made me stronger. It gave me a whole new perspective about myself and about life. It made me love and cherish life all the more.
If I'm to fall
in love again I want to remember those words by Anaïs Nin and feel just like that.
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