Realizations: When Looking is not the same as Seeing

A couple of months ago I was buying a fruit shake from Fruitas during my lunch break. I was blurting out how I want my drink to be made while typing something on my cellphone, so naturally, I wasn't really paying much attention to her. When I looked up to check if she's doing things right, I saw her standing there immobile with a confused look on her face. I thought she just didn't understand what I've said, so speaking slowly, I repeated everything I said. She still didn't move and continued to give me that confused look so I became a little irritated. I gestured for the fruit in front of her and she started pointing on the different sizes of cups on display. I followed her lead, though, I was still wondering what's going on. I told her I don't like to have a lot of sweetener, gesturing to her with my hands while looking at her. That's when I realized what's wrong!

Silly me! I looked at her multiple times but it took me a good long while to notice that she has an ID indicating that she is deaf. I gestured to her both my apologies and my gratitude for her service. I've always love buying at Fruitas but after that, I commend and admire them more for giving her that opportunity.

As I was walking away, that brief experience got me thinking. How many times in my life had I been looking at something right in front of me, without really seeing it? How many moments came and went by in my life utterly unnoticed and disregarded? I realized that often times, days simply pass by in my life in a blur. That sometimes I forget to appreciate the little but wonderful things which are happening around me. I end up taking things for granted because I just look pass everything and everyone, too caught up with my own little world.

It was just a trivial incident but instead of heading straight back to the office to sit down in front of my computer like I always do, I decided to spend my remaining break time to walk around the nearby park. It made me think about a lot of things. I remember the times when I will simply sit down in a coffee shop or in a park and watch idly as people are passing by. I started wondering when life had become so busy that I stopped paying attention to the things happening around me. When did life became a series of deadlines and hurried walks that I stopped caring about the strangers I see and meet everyday? And when was the last time I looked at someone and tried to see the person as he or she really is?

Often times, when we look at things and people, we only see what we want to see. Or sometimes we don't really see anything at all because we aren't truly looking. Then sometime we just simply assume that we already know everything about that person just by that one glance.

Anna, may just be some random fruit shake seller but that simple encounter with her somehow changed my perspective. She made me reflect on my current activities and made me re-think my priorities. Suddenly, I wanted to know more about that sad looking lady passing by in front of me or ask that stranger, why he looks so happy. It's like every faces I see and every person I meet has a story written in their faces waiting to be told.

That inconsequential experience made me see certain things in a whole new light. It was like a tiny pebble dropping in a pool of water sending ripples far and wide.

Falling In Love, Moving on and Finding Myself

"I want to fall in love in such a way that the mere sight of a man, even a block away from me, will shake and pierce me, will weaken me, and make me tremble and soften and melt.” ― Anaïs Nin, Delta of Venus

When I first read these lines, I dismissed it as just another nonsensical and hopeless romantic notion. I didn't know about Anaïs Nin or her works and I didn't care to know about her. The thing is, I have a rather cynical point of view about love and falling in love, so thoughts like these simply don't make sense to me.

I remember my life a few years back as merely going through the motions, the same routine day after day. I do things which seemed fun and I do try to have fun but they were pretty much the same old stuff. I've been in relationships and they were mostly alright but if I have to be honest, those relationships didn't really mean that much to me. My life was ok, it was safe and I didn't feel the need to stretch my wings. Somehow, I didn't feel the need to go out of my comfort zone or to explore life any further.

In my line of job, it is unavoidable to meet random people everyday so it wasn't unusual to get an email from someone asking for my consulting expertise or to get random inquiries. One day though, I received an email from this guy and the unusual happened. We seemed to communicate with each other with so much ease and while being candid isn't new in my job, it certainly felt like we were long, lost friends. After a few days of email bantering we decided to meet.

The first time I saw him, that first day we decided to see each other, that memory will probably stay with me forever. He was there standing across the street and it felt like the whole world stop while I was staring at him. It may sound cliche, but I was totally mindless about everything happening around me. There was just me and him. That very moment echoed the thoughts uttered by Anaïs Nin from another era. Those same words I mocked not so long ago. What happened next, threw me off my game and my comfort zone. Completely.

What happens when a complete stranger walked into your life and make you feel and see things you didn't know actually exist? For me, I got scared and confused. I didn't want to succumbed to my feelings. I didn't want to smile or laugh everytime we're together or everytime we're talking. I didn't even want to keep seeing him. I wanted to stay in the safety of my own little world but I just can't stay away from him. So I made a decision, I decided to brace myself for the fall and let myself get drunk with all the new sensations I'm starting to feel. For the first time I felt completely vulnerable. I started questioning my old life. I started to feel insecure. Though, for the first time as well, I felt genuinely happy being in a relationship. It wasn't all smooth sailing. I had to work through my insecurities popping out of nowhere. I had to deal with my emotions that I'm mostly unfamiliar with. We had to make a lot of adjustments and find balance between our erratic work schedules and our own individual activities. There were moments when I wonder if its all worth it but every time I start having doubts, I always end up with the same answer. Yes. So even though, I know that things may end eventually, I let myself fall and cherish the time I get to spend with him. Everyday, I whisk away the fears and I embrace the changes happening with me. Everyday, I look forward to spending more time with him. 

It was a relationship filled with trust, openness and mutual respect. It was a relationship where I learned to be more open with my feelings, with my thoughts and my opinion, knowing that they will not be ignored or patronized. It was a relationship where I felt that I didn't have to sacrifice my principles and individuality to be happy. It was a relationship where I learned to do things I was once scared of doing. It was a relationship where I got thrown out of my comfort zone and yet despite my fears it felt utterly good. I grew as a person and got more in touch with my inner self. I started to realize what are the things that matters to me, how I really want to treated and what I've been looking for. It was a relationship that was passionate and fulfilling with both of us respecting each other's boundaries, limits and priorities. 

In the end, I didn't get my happily ever after. Some days I remember those beautiful moments and it was truly painful. Just like when I first saw him, I just wanted the world to stop moving. I wanted to go back to the way things were. I wanted to wake up beside him again and watch him while he's still asleep. I just kept on missing him every single day. 

At some point I wished I can be apathetic so I won't feel any pain anymore but at the same time it felt so wrong to feel that way. That pain is a reminder that everything had been real. That pain made me realize that I had been out of the cocoon finally. The pain reminded me that I have started living life and apathy will threw me back to the way things were, being a zombie. I didn't want that anymore.

Taking steps forward each and every day had been tough. There were days when I just want to stay in my room and wallow in my sadness and misery all day. I had to stop going to certain places because they make me wistful. Yet, everyday I kept going, I kept smiling, I kept on doing things I've come to love because of him. Everyday, I tell myself that I'm strong enough to make it and that I can keep living a happy and fulfilled life even without him. 

Then I started feeling more stable, after awhile, though, the confusion set in. There was me and then, there is me. I became a different person and I felt like I had to start some aspects of my life over. Again, that was a scary thing. I have to begin another phase of my life and figure out a lot of things. I have to acknowledge my new identity, my desires, my fears and my new found dreams. There were certain people I had to leave behind in my new journey. There were habits I had to forego. Change, can be a daunting task especially in the beginning. Though, when I feel like I want to give up, I just looked back on those times and somehow those memories gave me strength.

When I look back on those days now I don't feel sad anymore. I don't feel any regrets either, for taking the risk and wanting that relationship to happen. I wanted it to last but now I've come to accept that it was just meant to become one sweet memory in my life. A phase that needed to happen so I can learn more about myself to become a better person. It was my serendipity and I'm thankful that it happened because it made me stronger. It gave me a whole new perspective about myself and about life. It made me love and cherish life all the more. 

If I'm to fall in love again I want to remember those words by Anaïs Nin and feel just like that.

Baguio Excursion: Cemetery of Negativism

Camp John Hay was not exactly one my favorite spots in Baguio city. It's a vast land more suitable for long walks. It is also a good place if you want to go for a nice picnic or if you want to play badminton or even football. Well, I'm not really into sports or even running or brisk walks, I used to enjoy walking only, when I go shopping (go figure). 

These days though, I relish moments when I can go for some walk undisturbed and get to be alone with my thoughts. That's what prompted me to visit this place. I've never seen much of Camp John Hay except the Mile Hi Center, which is a shopping area. I'm most curious to see place called the Cemetery of Negativism, so one sunny afternoon while I was in Baguio City, I hired a cab to take me to this place and to wait for me while I was mulling over some matters. 

It's a nice and quiet spot where one can ponder some thoughts or exercise one's creativity (write or paint) while being surrounded by the beauty of nature. The tombstones are more amusing than scary and pausing for a moment to read the witty epitaphs will make you wonder about certain moments in your life.

Popularly known as the Lost Cemetery, there are no dead bodies in this place; rather it served as a burial ground for the fears and negative thoughts. One of the receptionists by the entrance told me that this place was erected by Major John Hightower. Known for having unusual and creative ideas, his soldiers supposedly conducted mock burials in this place to leave their fears and negative thoughts behind, before assuming their military duties. Hmmm... Pretty creative indeed! 

So there I was, enjoying the solitude, (there was no one else around) sitting in the middle of the tombstones, happily typing my thoughts down in my tablet. If I had been an artist, I would have sketch the scenery in front of me as it was beautiful. If one is looking for a symbolic place to bury all of those negativity, then this is the spot! 

A Psychedelic Trip with Saint Janus

I can't remember when exactly electronic music started to become so popular, surpassing other genres. It's like one day I'm listening to rock music, the next I'm listening to a rock band playing an EDM inspired music. Though, with the rise of EDM, its getting harder to find artists with their own unique sound. You hear the same beats, you hear the same drops and they all seemed to fall under one inconspicuous genre.

Incidentally, while I was wondering about this, I bumped into this DJ/Producer who seemed to have other things going on. The first dose of his music had been a shot of love! Amidst, the cacophony of bass drops and mushy, pop-ish lyrics here comes someone who has something entirely different to offer.

Definitely, a genre of its own, listening to Saint Janus'music is like a glorious trip to the outer space, one that you don't want to end too soon. His compositions reminded me of those psychedelic music I listened to when I was much younger. They are raw and erratic, yet the overall quality is definitely beautiful. Its like the music doesn't follow any rules except that of it's producer. Sometimes, it certainly feels like the music has its own life and will keep playing even if you hit the stop button.

Avatar records who will be releasing Saint Janus second Ep, described his music as - "A combination of elements from progressive rock and psychedelic space rock while projecting a euphoric relaxed atmosphere. His music suggests a new approach to psybient and psychill. A fusion of deep and relaxed compositions with an array of slow rhythms which will gently cover you." Just like what I said, it's one of kind.

Listening to Saint Janus will definitely make one dig deeper into the electronic scene. One will realize that that there's more to electronic music than catchy tunes, the so called anthems or those bass drops which makes you want to go jumping around. This is the kind of music which will make you realize that electronic music is not just about the mainstream beats and the fame which seems to envelop DJ's these days. Given a proper dedication and letting one's passion to take hold instead of the superficiality of today's music industry, electronic music can still be quite artistic and eloquent as it once had been.

So if you want to hear more than just the usual bass drops or if you're simply tired of the same top 40's mash-ups, you definitely have to look up this Producer. It's a guaranteed trip to another dimension minus any crack you can think of.